every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
