I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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