I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
