Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
