You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
