There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
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