My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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