Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
