if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
