I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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