Your tits are I can't wait for
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We smell like vodka and hangover
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
