Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
