oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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