if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
