When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
