I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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