You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
