Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
