So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
