I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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