i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
