Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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