Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
