it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
