It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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