My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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