I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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