I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
