The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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