Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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