im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
