I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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