I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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