You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
