What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
