my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
