the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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