I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
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she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
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We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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