I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
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