i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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