i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Houston, we have a squirter
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
