I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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