Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
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I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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