If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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