I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
