Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You pole danced in your parka.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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