that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My penis needs a shock collar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
