The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
