Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
