my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
