I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
