I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
