A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
