If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Houston, we have a squirter
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
