I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
