New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
