Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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