she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
