I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
