Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love you. Go after that dick
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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