I'm going to rape someone's good day.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
