M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
